Washington, DC–Degraded by 18 months of America’s continued war on terror, and many of its most senior leaders killed or captured, Usama bin Laden’s international terrorists group al Qaeda has resorted to new tactics in its relentless attempt to collapse Western Civilization.
According to administration sources speaking on condition of anonymity, the new tactics include ordering expensive pizzas for delivery to senior Bush administration officials' homes, making crank phone calls to American military high command at all hours of the night, and sending spam e-mails to American troops promising millions of dollars working from home–all attempts to degrade morale. Asked about the effects of the new terror campaign, one official said, “it’s tough; it really is. My wife’s gotten stuck with three or four supreme pizzas. She’s too kind hearted to send the kid away empty handed, so just pays for them. And these aren’t Domino’s or Pizza Hut, either; these are expensive pizza, family-owned places that do gourmet pizzas. She’s really frazzled.”
The phone calls are a powerful weapon. A key member of Secretary of State Colin Powell’s office said that Mr. Powell is " frankly, just plain pissed off" about the calls. According to this anonymous source, just last Tuesday, Mr. Powell received a call at 2:00 AM in which a man with a heavy Arabic accent told him, “Don’t let your meat loaf” and began laughing hysterically. An indication of the personal nature of the attack, friends report that Powell told them, “I’d like to get my hands on the m—- f—-.”
Homeland Security chief, Tom Ridge, could not be reached for comment, but an aide told reporters, “Look, the president warned that this war on terror would be fought on many fronts. We didn’t know that they [the terrorists] would resort to this bulls—, but, like the hijackings, we will engage and defeat the enemy on these harassment tactics.”
So far, the American public has been spared the horrors of these small battles, but they may not be safe for long. Intelligence reports indicate that American residential phone listings and some custom e-mail address lists, screened for income and other demographic information, were found in the possession of a recently captured al Qaeda senior terrorist.
Authorities say citizens victimized by these acts of terror should hang up, notify their phone company, and/or turn down the pizza. “Some pizza places use caller ID to make sure that the call is coming from the house where the pizza is to be delivered. I’d do business with them,” said a receptionist at the Department of Homeland Security.
*Satire